Remembering When
by jesslovescastle
Summary: "You always kept your promise. And you've always come back, every year on this day..."


Twelve years had passed. Twelve years, to the very day. It never became easier. It felt like it had only become harder. She sat, curled up, in the window seat. Her head leaned against the cold glass, as she stared out into the rainy evening. Today was the hardest day of her life. Every year, it was the same. She would wake up, feeling numb. She would force herself to get dressed and go down to the precinct. She could never stay long. Sometimes it was half a day. Other times, a few hours. Then, she found herself ducking out early. She'd visit the cemetery and bring flowers to the grave, before finding solitude in her lonely apartment. This year, it was no different.

Her phone had buzzed at least a hundred times. Her dad called. Lanie called. Ryan and Esposito called. Castle called. Everyone who knew what today meant tried to get a hold of her. She wasn't in the mood to talk. She had heard twelve years of sorry's and I'm here for you's. None of that ever changed anything. None of that brought her mother back. Most of all, none of that caught whoever was responsible for killing her mom. That was the one thing she wanted most in life. They had come close with Dick Coonan and Hal Lockwood. Neither of them were the mastermind. Whoever was responsible was still out there. Someone had tried to kill her, for getting too close to finding out who. Another year had gone by, without them paying for what they had done to her mother; what they had done to her.

She always wondered who she would be, if none of this had happened. She didn't think that she would be a cop. Her mother always encouraged her to follow her dreams. This was never her dream. She had been driven in this direction, due to her mother's case being pegged as random gang violence, never to be looked at again. It wasn't enough for her. She always knew there was something else there. There was a real reason she was murdered. It wasn't random. She just couldn't ever figure it out. When she realized she was going to lose herself in the obsession of solving the case, she had given up. It took her a year of therapy to let it go. Then, Castle came into her life and brought it up again. Now, she couldn't let it go. There hadn't been any new leads, since her shooting, but it was still haunting her. It was haunting her so much, that she couldn't sleep at night.

A knock at her door brought her out of her thoughts. She half expected someone to come visit, especially since she didn't answer any of her phone calls. She climbed out of the window seat, wiped away a few stray tears, and moved to the door. When she pulled it back, she was surprised at who her visitor was. She expected her dad, maybe Lanie, maybe Castle, but not Ryan. She forced a strangled smile, before it fell from her face. He could tell that this year, today was worse than any other year had been, since he had met her.

"Hey, Beckett... Can I come in?"

He asked quietly. He didn't feel like talking any louder was necessary, nor appropriate. She nodded her head and stepped out of the way, to allow him inside. He carried the bouquet of flowers, with a card from everyone, into her loft. He knew how much she hated the flowers and the sympathy card every year, but they insisted. He only knew she hated it, because she had told him long ago. Still, every year, they all did the same thing and he forced himself to write in the card. He knew if he didn't write something, everyone would judge him for it. He just wished they knew how she really felt. It wasn't that she hated their kindness. It was the reminder that the card and flowers gave her, that her mother was gone, and that her killer still roamed free. Maybe, after they caught this guy, she'd accept their sympathies with open arms. If they ever caught this guy...

"I have a vase in the kitchen. Let me get those in water,"

She spoke quietly, almost in a whisper. Ryan handed her the flowers and she made her leave to the kitchen. He glanced around her new place. He hadn't been inside here yet. Last year, her apartment was blown up and she was lucky to have survived. They were all lucky that she had survived. He couldn't imagine life without Beckett. She had always been there; as a partner, as a friend. It was the same way that he had always been there for her. Through thick and thin, even before Esposito joined their team, they had each other's back. He hadn't realized she had returned, until he heard the vase hit against the coffee table gently. He turned, from looking at a painting on her wall, to face her. He gave her a small, but warm, friendly smile.

"Your place is nice. It's very... you,"

He complimented, with a small chuckle. There was really no other way to describe her apartment. It just had Kate Beckett written all over it. From the furniture, down to the very littlest detail and decoration, it was just like her. She managed to give him a small smile at his compliment.

"Thanks, Ryan."

He nodded, as he watched her sink against the sofa, like she was part of it. She was so lifeless. It killed him to see her like this. Every year, without her mother's murder being solved, more of her life was sucked out of her. He wondered what would happen, when she had no life left. He didn't want to think about that. A woman, such as Beckett, with so much passion, so much life in her, with no life left inside? That wasn't possible. Was it? He allowed himself to sit beside her, close enough for comfort, but not too close. She barely acknowledged his presence, lost in her thoughts, her emotions. He wondered if he should say anything at all.

"Beckett... Kate..."

He called to her, softly. She turned to look at him, her green eyes meeting his blue ones. For a moment, they just stared at each other, in complete silence. She then parted her lips and softly spoke.

"Do... you remember... when?"

She asked him slowly. His eyes searched her's and he instantly realized when exactly she meant. He nodded his head a few times.

"How could I forget?"

_It was quite a few years back, right after Ryan had been paired up with Beckett. Back before Esposito, back when it was just the two of them. Ryan was down at the twelfth. He sat at his desk, staring over at the empty one, where his partner, Beckett should have been. She didn't come into work that day. It made him worry about her. Not that a woman like Kate Beckett needed to be worried about. She was strong, she could take care of and look after herself. But then again, she had never missed a day of work, since he had started on the force. That's what struck him as odd. That was what made him worry. He had asked around, if anyone had heard from her, but no one knew anything. He tried her cell phone, but she didn't answer. He probably left a dozen messages for her. At the end of his shift, when his anxiety had gotten the best of him, he knew what he had to do. He had to find her and make sure she was okay. That was what partners did, wasn't it? That was his job._

_It was easy to pull up her current address at the precinct. He felt like he was invading her privacy, but he could deal with the heat from that later. Right then, the only thing he cared about was seeing that she was okay. And if she wasn't okay, he didn't know what he was going to do. A woman so powerful as Beckett not okay, how did one deal with that? He decided to hope she just had the flu or something. When he found her building, he parked his car and headed up to the fourth floor, where her unit was. He got to her door and contemplated his options. What if she had company? What if, on the other side of that door, heaven forbid, she was just another dead body? He swallowed back the dark thought of that and made a fist and quickly knocked. His heart raced, as he waited for someone to come to the door._

_In all of the days that Kevin Ryan had worked with Kate Beckett, he had never seen her cry. So, when she finally opened the door, her makeup smeared from the tears, and her bold, green eyes glassy with new tears, he felt a knife in his heart. Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong. For a long moment, they just stared at each other. Each of them tried to find something to say to the other. They were both shocked to be face to face like this. Beckett reached up, wiping her eyes, trying to pretend she was fine. He could smell the whiskey on her breath. She could act all she wanted, she was far from fine._

"_You... didn't come to work today..."_

_Ryan struggled to speak, not comfortable with the idea of seeing someone as strong and fearless as Beckett like this. It made him realize that she wasn't just Wonder Woman. She was a human being, like the rest of them._

"_I... worried something might be... wrong..."_

_He felt like an idiot, standing there stating the obvious. Still, she didn't seem at all offended. He was really glad for that. He was also glad that she wasn't questioning how he found out where she lived._

"_Can I come inside?"_

_He asked her. It felt so stupid to him, when it seemed she obviously wanted to be alone. That was probably the reason she didn't come to work. She didn't want to be bothered. He felt like he needed to be there though. He felt like she might need some company. He felt like she might need him. When she allowed him to come into her apartment, his thoughts were proved to be right._

_He stepped inside, slowly taking a moment to look around. The curtains were drawn, it was barely lit inside, and a half empty bottle of whiskey sat on the coffee table. He bit down on his lip, sensing something about her. Maybe her boyfriend broke up with her? He didn't know her to have a boyfriend though. Maybe someone close to her had passed away? He didn't remember seeing anything in the morning paper. Deciding it was rude to play this guessing game, he turned to face her._

"_Your place is nice. It's very... you,"_

_He described it the only way he knew how, with a small chuckle. When he walked inside, if he hadn't known it was her apartment, he would have guessed it was. Everything about it just screamed her name, right down to the very last detail and decoration. She gave him what resembled a slight smile._

"_Thanks, Ryan."_

_He watched as she sank down against the couch cushions. When she reached for the bottle of whiskey, he reached out, grabbing her hand to stop her. He instantly wished he didn't, especially when she looked at him. He just didn't want to watch her drink her pain away. Whatever the pain was, he wanted to take it away. He was her partner. He wanted to be able to do these things for her._

"_I'm... sorry..."_

_He apologized, licking his dry lips, nervously. He didn't let go of her hand, which made him feel even more awkward. Then again, she wasn't swatting him away, angrily. She met his blue eyes for a moment and she could see all of the concern inside of them. He didn't know. Everyone knew. Not him, though. Nobody had told him. She gently tugged his hand, wanting him to come closer. He could tell that there was something she wanted to tell him. He had a seat next to her on the couch, close enough for comfort, but not too close. He looked at her, intently, ready to listen._

"_Six years ago... Six years ago, today,"_

_She started softly, her eyes never leaving his for a moment. He could see that they were still glassy, like she was going to start crying any minute now. Whatever this was, he couldn't take the pain away. Not something that had been going on for this long. There was no way he could fix this. It broke his heart._

"_My mother was murdered. They... never caught her killer."_

_As soon as she said it, everything fell into place. Everything made sense to him. The reason she was here, as a cop, and not off doing something bigger, something better. The reason she made each and every case personal. The reason she worked so hard to catch killers and put them behind bars. The reason she got the victims and their loved ones justice. She did it in the name of her mother. She did it because no one had done that for her._

_Their hands still joined, from when he grabbed her's, he gave a gentle squeezed to her smaller one. As he had suspected, tears came rolling out of her green eyes. He couldn't stop himself from reaching in and wiping them away with his thumb. Once he did, her eyes met his again. Neither of them really knew what was happening here. They just knew that this, whatever it was, him showing up here, felt right._

"_I'm really, really sorry, Beckett,"_

_He consoled her quietly. He could imagine what he would feel like if his mother was murdered and her killer wasn't behind bars. The thought hurt like hell. He knew that was what Beckett was feeling right now. Except, only hundreds of times worse. It was real for her and it had been six years. Six long, painful years._

"_What can I do?"_

_She hadn't expected to hear such a question from him. The sympathy, she expected. Everyone offered that and their condolences. This was different. She barely knew Ryan outside of work, yet here he was beside her, wanting to be there for her. She needed that._

"_Just... don't... leave me alone..."_

_She pleaded with him, quietly. It broke his heart that all day he had been worried about her and she really needed someone. He wished he would have went to find her sooner. Maybe then, she wouldn't have drank half a bottle of booze. He moved closer to her, into the small space that had separated them, as he drew her into his arms. He hugged her close as she pressed her face into his chest, sobbing._

"_I'm not going anywhere, Kate..."_

_With that promise, he had spent the entire night by her side. They stayed up late, talking about mostly her mom and each other. When it got really late, he suggested that they try and get some sleep. He laid in her bed with her, at her side, holding her in his arms the entire night. He didn't sleep. He just watched her, to make sure that she slept. He felt awful for her. He would have never guessed that she bear such a burden. She was so strong. She acted as if nothing in the world bothered her. Yet, deep down inside, she harbored the worst kind of pain possible. The kind that was with you, all of your life, no matter what. He just wished he could take it away. If only for a day. He knew that it shaped her into the incredible detective and person she was today. But she didn't need it to make her as great as she was. If anything, if her mother was still alive, she'd be even greater. Nobody would ever know._

_The following day, things had returned to as normal as they could be. They both knew that they were bonded by the night before. It had shaped their relationship and partnership into a much better one. He took the time to raid her cupboards of all of the hard liquor and anything else she might use to suppress the pain. He promised her that she didn't need it. She had him now. If she needed him, he'd come. Day or night. Anytime. He'd drop whatever it was he was doing and come to her side. It comforted the both of them, especially when she promised him the same._

"You always kept your promise. And you've always come back, every year on this day..."

Beckett said to him, giving him a glimpse of a smile. He gave her a smile of his own, in return, as he reached over, took her hand and gave it a squeeze.

"That promise is the one promise I always kept, Beckett. I knew it meant a lot to both of us. I know when you need me,"

He replied, squeezing her hand once more. She tugged his hand, gently, wanting him to come closer. He slid into the space between him, opening up his arms. She slid into him, slipping her arms around him, as his closed around her. She let out a shaky breath, a few tears falling from her eyes.

"Yes, you do..."

He held her close, placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head, inhaling the scent of her shampoo. He always cherished these little moments, when they were together like this. They didn't happen often. Only when he knew she needed it and would accept it. He knew she was strong and she didn't break easily. She didn't admit when she needed someone to hold her. Only he knew the moments she needed this. It had always felt right to him, like they belonged. He never had expressed it to her though. He knew how he felt, but he didn't know how she felt about him. He knew she had eyes and a heart for Castle. He had always been jealous, even though it hadn't gone anywhere. Beckett had confided in him about the kiss they shared. He kept it secret, especially since she had never even spoke about it with Castle. He had always felt she was on a road to getting her heart broken with that guy. He'd be there, though. To pick up the pieces of her heart and try to put it back together.

"I never said thank you,"

She said softly, as she pulled back, just enough to look up at his face. He gave her a curious look.

"Thank you for what?"

He asked, as she settled against him again. He adjusted his arms around her thin body.

"That night. You stayed by my side. You even slept in my bed with me. You were there. You made sure I was okay. And ever since then, you've taken care of me. I just want to thank you..."

"Kate, you don't have to thank me. I don't do it because I have to. I do it because I want to,"

He told her. She looked up at him, again. This time, her green eyes lost in his deep, blue eyes. All of this time, she had never seen him the way she was seeing him right now. Deep down inside, she always felt like they were right, though. It had never gone anywhere. The timing was always wrong. There were other people they were involved with. There was the fact that they worked together. And then there was the fact that they had been such great friends, she didn't want to lose that. She needed him, especially for days like today.

"Kevin... I..."

She searched for the right words to say. There were only three words that made perfect sense in that moment. She was scared to say them. She didn't want it to unravel a path straight to disaster. What if he didn't feel the same thing? He stared at her, waiting for her to speak her mind.

"All of these years... You've been here. You've been my partner. You've been my friend. I just... I think..."

He could see she was really struggling with this. She had been on a roller coaster of emotions all day. Now, here she was spilling her heart to him. Part of him was ecstatic. He knew what this meant. She felt the same way about him, that he felt about her. He also knew that she had to be conflicted. After all, she had been pining for the writer for so long.

"What about... Castle?"

His voice cracked, as he asked softly, slowly. He searched her eyes, wondering if he shouldn't have asked that question. He was scared for the answer of his own question he had asked.

"I've been waiting so long, hoping this thing with Castle was actually going somewhere. Yeah, he told me he loved me. But I just don't feel it with him. I feel like he can't give me what I want, what I need. He doesn't know me. He's not the one here, at my side, when I need him. You are, Kevin... You've always been the one."

As he listened to her, his fears disappeared. He had remembered when Beckett confided in him about the 'I love you' Castle had uttered, when she was shot and nearly died in his arms. It was another thing he promised to keep between them. When Beckett pretended she didn't remember anything, it was never spoke of again. Ryan found it kind of funny, especially considering 'I love you' wasn't something to be forgotten. Right now, in this moment, he was glad that it was never acted upon.

"You've always been the one for me too, Kate. Always. Ever since that day you didn't come to work and I found you at your apartment, I just felt this emotional bond that I didn't want to ever have to let go. I kept wishing that maybe you felt it too. And now, knowing that you do, I can do what I've been wanting to do for years..."

Beckett looked up at him curiously. His lips curled into a smile, as his hand slid into her hair, to the back of her head. He guided her face to his, planting a kiss on her soft, sweet lips. He felt a warm surge through his body, as his heart beat quickened. This was the moment that he had dreamt of for so long. Ever since he held her in her bed that night, he had wanted to tell her he was in love with her. Back then, he was afraid it would scare her away.

Slowly parting from their sweet embrace, she looked up into his eyes again. For the first time, all day long, a smile stretched across her face. Ryan couldn't help it, as he smiled right back at her. He gently touched her cheek, letting out the most content of sighs.

"There's that beautiful smile I love."

For the rest of the day, Kate didn't wallow in her grief over the loss of her mother and the lack of her killer behind bars. No, she wasn't sad at all. She spent the rest of the day, completely happy, caught up in Kevin. They made love to each other, in the same bed he had held her, while she slept, all those years ago. She made him dinner later in the evening, before making love again. Later that night, he listened to her breathe, while he held her as she slept. He took in all of her, especially how the moonlight seemed to radiate her beauty. He smiled, knowing that he could get used to this. Brushing back the hair from her forehead, he leaned in, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. She stirred a little bit, before her eyes fluttered open. He felt bad for waking her, but thought she looked so cute. He smiled warmly.

"Kevin..."

She spoke softly, her voice groggy from still being half asleep. He stroked her hair back, gently, as he still smiled at her.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

With that being said, she leaned upward, placing a gentle kiss on his lips, before laying back down. She snuggled close to him, before falling back asleep. He couldn't help the beaming smile on his face, as he brought her naked body into his arms. He guessed that she had been dreaming of him, of them. Leaning down, he placed a kiss on her cheek, before moving his lips to her ear. There, he whispered gently inside.

"I love you too, Kate."


End file.
